Bizarro World Times 20

I should've known it was going to be a weird day when I woke up to the news that Britney Spears shaved her noggin...
MISSION BATH HOUSE
After a leisurely brunch at the Diner yesterday, Steve and I set off for the Russian/Turkish Bath house. Located in Alphabet City, we walk through the area and find it. And after gazing at the facade of this place, I should've turned right around and gone home. But we didn't. We were meeting Heather and Carey, as well as Sarah's friend, Nathan at this place - so we at least needed to wait around for them. So we climbed the stairs and went inside. Upon entering, it was like we had entered a prison or an impound lot - because the doors were grated metal, and one had a tiny window in it - leading to the unknown inside. So we waited on a small bench outside the grated door. As the troops showed up, I wanted to troop on out. To me, this place screamed "communicable diseases." After being situated so long in this dingy delapidated place, I needed a drink. So we left - rounded a corner - when Steve saw a sign that said "Drink here." So we ducked inside a place called 'Doc Holliday' which was like walking into the 3rd level of Dante's 'Inferno.' Old men were there drunk as skunks at 3pm - there was arm-wrestling, kissing, dancing, arguing, fighting and more drinking. We watched it all in horror - but couldn't resist the $3 PBR's - so we stayed... occassionally looking at each other, with one silent question continually exchanged: "Is this really happening?"
MISSION BATH HOUSE II
So we get all beery at this hole-in-the-wall weird place, and Heather again tries to lobby for the Bath House. Everyone seems in - and even though I'm really reluctant - I relent. Here we go to the bath house again, and I'm powerless to stop the stride. Once inside, we go to the counter - where old Russian or Turkish men are taking our wallets, and giving us locker room keys. The locker room is situated on the same floor with the baths situated "below" - so I robe up and head down. Now, the kicker to all this is that I'd just had a blowout the day before - and it's not wise at all to be in any kind of humidity or wetness while trying to get ultimate lifespan out of a blowout - and I'm now standing amongst dripping wet half-naked people in a grungy basement hallway with steam rooms, saunas, and pools. The "cold pool" by the way, had a film of guck on it. I looked at Steve right away and he actually said, "This is appalling. I'm appalled." I laughed at the randomness of it all and wondered which path I had chosen in my life to get me here. Heather was still excited about this place - remarking on how the incredible heat had really opened up her pores, while all Steve and I were watching germs getting up on hind legs and scampering by us. Steve, Heather, and Nathan got the platza oak leaf treatment - which consisted of laying on a wood slab in a crowded sauna while a large Turkish man thrashed them with oak leaves. While all this thrashing was happening in the underbelly of society, I went upstairs to the massage rooms to get a 30-minute swedish. Before too long, the nice Asian lady was standing on my back. The massage was okay - and before I knew it, we were all at the front counter getting our wallets back and paying for our services. It was a wild, wild adventure that I'll never do again.
DIN-DIN
After this weird day, Steve and I shower up and don our polished duds to head to the uber fancy and crazy expensive Bouley restaurant downtown. It was fantastic... the place, the food, the flowers, the service. I half-wanted Steve to propose to me because of the setting and mood, but then realized that would be a challenging future for us because he's gay. As we chatted, we secretly rejoiced in the fact that none of these waiters knew that we were in a seedy Russian/Turkish bath house only 2 hours prior. Anyway, I highly recommend Bouley, and urge all couples to get engaged there. It's THAT good, and with Bouley at the beginning - your marriage will last forever.
SOME OTHER STUFF
*I found out that Steve likes to start his day by dunking his face into a bowl of ice water, something he discovered that Paul Newman did to retain tightness in the skin and stay young. I didn't have any ice, so Steve wore cucumber eyelids both mornings he was here.
*When McDonalds says only customers get to use the bathroom - they mean it.
*When Subway restaurant says only customers can use the bathroom - they mean it.
*Amazing Race All Stars rocks. They've brought back all the hot-heads and favorites from seasons past - and I'm ready for some reality TV drama... and for someone to beat Rob and Amber!
*Why did 'Ghost Rider' win at the weekend box office? First 'Norbit' - now Nick Cage with fake hair on a flaming motorcycle? I hate it all.
*Braved the Prada store in SOHO today, and fell in love with 20 handbags. I really have a problem.