Air Check

THINGS THE VIEWER NEVER, EVER SAYS
(So why are you so obsessed with them?)

By Steve Safran, Lost Remote

STILL PRODUCING to impress other producers? Well, knock it off. The arguments we get into - real, loud arguments - over stuff we think is important are just stupid.

We seem to think too many packages in a newscast presents a sign of weakness. We think viewers will stay put in the morning if we write a clever enough tease. We're certain a plug for a report at 5pm will make the 6am viewers take note.

Do you really believe this? Or have you done it so long that it's just "what you're supposed to do"?

As Lost Remote discusses ways to change the news, the following are things viewers never, ever say or think. Keep the list handy by your computer when you're fighting with your EP over "flow"... (*allison's favorites in bold)

- Why did they put that story in A5 instead of A4? I think it would have flowed better.

- Margaret! They're going to give me the details of that man wanted in the downtown robbery... get me a pen!

- The police want MY help in solving this crime? Cool!

- One person was slightly injured in that accident? Good thing they had a helicopter there.

- To hell with my 7:14 train! The news has a report on dangerous puddings then that I won't want to miss!

- That thing that happened half a world away? I hope this local newscast tells me if it could happen here.

- I'm glad this news station knocked on that neighbor's door next to where the shooting took place.

- Good thing they ran that VO of people putting on seatbelts during that seatbelt law story. I had no idea what seatbelts looked like.

- Wait -- they have locators of the house where a stabbing was yesterday that injured a 16 year-old male? Alright!

- Hmmm... they went: package, VO, package, SOT. Wouldn't it have been so much better if they had gone: package, VO, SOT package?

- They're leading with the same story at 5:30 as they did at 5? Booooooring!

- I'm only going to watch the helicopter station from now on.

- Surely the helicopter is the ultimate sign of the greatest news station.

- Oh, they're LIVE at the State House. Well, alright then. There was no way I was going to believe a pre-packaged story about the budget.

- Can they make the logo on the side of that helicopter a little bigger?

- No, I HADN'T recalled that Action News first told me about this story last week. Thanks for the reminder!

- I'm glad they referred to him as "the Pontiff" on the second reference and "John Paul the Second" on the third reference. I would have been bored if they just
said "The Pope."

- It's gonna snow/be hot/be very cold? I sure hope they'll tell me what to do with my pets and elderly. I have no idea.

- Wait! Wait! What happened to the anchor I'm used to watching! He's not there tonight! Is he dead? Oh - thank God... he's on assignment.

- TEAM Coverage? Now I'm watching!

- Remind me - can Halloween be dangerous for my kids?

- Remind me - should I wear sunscreen when I go out this summer?

- Remind me - are there benefits to drinking wine?

- Remind me - can I get an update on this crap tonight at 11 only on your station?

- I hope they'll take up more of the screen with data.

- Sadly, the station that I am watching presented this story to me 15 seconds after its competitor did. I know this, for I watch four televisions at once.

- It's important to me whether a station's lower third font is in all caps or uses lower case as well.

- You mean there were PREVIOUS stumbling blocks on the road to peace in the Middle East?

- When one person is injured in a car accident, I don't really care. But when one person is injured in a light plane crash, I want to know!

- Did you see the editing on that package? Oh, the L-cuts!

- I know it's going to be 70 degrees and sunny today. Please, for the love of God, tell me about the barometric pressure!

- This station really should mention its call letters more.

- This new logo really makes me want to watch their news now.

- I'm glad they clarified that it was 'ACTOR' Arnold Schwarzenegger. I had no idea who they were talking about.

- Those six second SOTs are too long. They should trim them to four.

- I'm not sure I cared much for that story count.

- Sure, I know they told me a lot of important news. But, darn it - they broke format!

- I wasn't able to change emotional gears fast enough between those two stories.

- The chopper pics were OK, but I really had hoped they would have ground pics by now.

- I really wish they had dissolved between those two VOs instead of a straight take.

- It really helped my understanding of that story that they asked a couple of random idiots on the street what THEY thought of it.

- 10 minutes into the show, they needed to establish the male anchor on cam before going to that VO. I had no idea who was talking.

- More puns in teases, dammit! More puns!

- That Doppler Radar 9000 sure beats the hell out of the competitor's Doppler Radar 3000. NOW the forecasts will be accurate.

- If only this graphics package used a slightly darker shade of blue as a complimentary color.

- Sure, that logo is big. But it could be bigger.

- They should use the word "local" a lot more in this newscast.

- I don't really care about the stories or accuracy. What I'm interested in is how well they brand their station.

- I knew the station would give me news that was live and local. But latebreaking too? Awright!