Good idea. Bad idea.

WYE RIVER PEACE SUMMIT
Good idea. Bad idea. Good idea. Bad idea. That was the back-and-forth in my brain for about 1.5 hours last night - during bilateral discussions at a restaurant in the West Village. I asked myself a million times why I was even doing this - sitting at a table with someone who clearly didn't think I was worth the effort when we were dating. Why did I facilitate this meeting? Do I enjoy self-torture? Do I want closure from this guy? Do I need some answers? Do I still have a romantic bend toward him? Do I just want to do the right thing and be friendly and civil and nice? Am I capable of being friends?
I think it was a combo platter of all of the above... but those burning questions pretty much came out like this: "How's your food?" and "Any vacation time coming up?" and "Are you still playing soccer?"
I've really never been good with pink elephants in the room, and last night there were 3 from the Barnum & Bailey circus at Madison Square Garden sitting in our bread basket and pouring our wine. One even helped me take my jacket off.
Departure at the subway was one of those awkward brother hugs. That one act gave me closure... not bankable closure - no - but with this guy, it's clearly all I'm going to get. I walked away knowing that he didn't care about me - didn't want to care about me - and even if he did, I would probably always be up against his limitations. It's all really a shame, because last night - for the first time - I realized and admitted to myself that I had fallen for him 6 months ago. Yeah, it hurt that bad.
I don't think I can stomach another peace summit right now, so I may just send my Deputy Secretary to the next meeting.
BACK ON THE HORSE
After the summit, I had plans to meet UN guy I'd been out on a date with earlier in the week. He's super sweet and nice, and is attentive and attractive. It's funny, because he just looks like a West Village guy... shaggy, soft hair - cool jeans - deconstructed blazer. I can't describe it - but I think he'd look out of place in another neighborhood. Anyway, I probably ruined the date with my mood, but he was accommodating and nice - and while internally, I was whooping it up at a my own pity party - I just wanted to be around someone accommodating and nice. He succeeded in putting a smile on my face before I headed home.
BRAIN BREAK
I need some time away from my life right now - to sit with myself and shake some feelings. And I need hugs more than anything.