Scandi Store Instructions

Up until last Saturday, I hadn't been to an IKEA in about 8 years. I now remember why...

Since I was in town this past weekend, I took up an offer by Sonja to head to the new store in Brooklyn. She's moving, and needed a new sofa - so I joined her and her mom to help select the seating.

Here are a couple of suggestions the next time you go to the place the size of 5 airplane hangars, looking for that halogen lamp:

1) When riding the shuttle to the store, look at people around you. If they already look hassled and miserable - then it's a pretty safe bet they're going to remain hassled and miserable at the store.

2) Get to know these people on the shuttle bus... observe their clothing and behavior. If you're walking into the store at the same time, you're going to be running into these same hassled and miserable people - as well as their carts and elbows the rest of the day.

3) Notice I used the word "day" in the last sentence. IKEA swallows up an entire DAY, and if you think otherwise, you are a fool. The clocks in the clock department don't even reflect real time - many are dead - like your brain.

4) Even though there are signs for "shortcuts" through the maze that is IKEA - they aren't really the shortest of cuts. I went through 2, and wound up in the same stinky candle and silk flower section 4 times. Then you're lost. Nice one IKEA - all part of the "marketing scheme."

5) Avoid the kids department. There you will find parents too yuppified to drop their kids off at the babysitting station, and as a result, you will see children catapult off bunk beds shaped like space ships - only to be followed by wailing and screams when their little feet don't land quite right.

6) Bring a tape measure. The paper ones IKEA provides break - leading people to crowd around furniture - using their arms, fingers, feet, hands, and toes as measuring tools. I know, I considered measuring one too many things with my middle finger that day.

7) The cooking department is INSANE. Don't go there, unless of course you literally want to live the "Melting Pot" that is America.

8) If you lose your group like I did and you don't have a handy flare or two with you - then stand around near the checkout and observe the male shoppers. Most, obediently following their girlfriend/spouses will make eye contact with you - with a certain "HELP ME" frenzy in their eyes... like "This chick and I just went to the movies a couple of times, and now I'm here at IKEA lugging furniture parts!" They don't want to be there either... and they know what's coming when they get home... "Assembly Required" - and probably a first fight.

9) Be advised there is no cell phone service in IKEA, which makes losing your group the most helpless and hopeless predicament of all time. Wonder why there's no cell service in IKEA... again, part of the grandiose "marketing scheme"?

9) If you do lose your group and can't connect over cell phone, just relax and stay in the same spot. Don't do what I did and buy a colander, 2 spatulas, and some Swedish jam in the meantime. I needed none of these things, but my reasoning was that I was at IKEA, so I should get something...

10) Upon finding each other, greet one another with hearty hugs and beaming smiles - like you've been reunited after being held by Colombian rebels for 5 years. Seriously - it's that special of a moment.

11) The "Checkout" signs should also include the term "Suckers" because after you pay, you're not done, silly. You haven't yet hit the "Home Delivery" line, which looks like something out of a Biblical exodus.

12) An hour later - when finally out of the store, a sense of balance and normalcy begins to replenish. This process will take several hours to restore your faculties to that of a normal person, but the re-entry process is one to embrace.

13) Board the shuttle with your bright blue bags with a sense of achievement. You made it! And as the woman behind you says aloud, "That was the most horrendous experience of my life" - take a deep breath, chuckle to yourself, and offer her some Swedish jam.