SUITS & SUCKERS - SWEETIES & MEANIES
I've had some hilarious and heart-wrenching dates the past several years as a single girl with the world as her oyster. Laughed endlessly with girls a couple nights ago regaling... some of them too funny not to pen. From the official "Sucks and the City" vault:
1) Went on one date with a seemingly normal pharmaceutical sales rep when I first moved to NYC. He said he had started his own business, which had nothing to do with pharmaceutical sales. When I inquired, he told me trapeze. No joke. I walked the tight-wire outta there - but got a business card just to make sure he was for real.
2) Went to first date dinner with a suit in DC - who couldn't stop talking about how important his lobbying job was, and how much he made. He also suggested an inappropriate ending to our evening, which hit the turn-off tilt. So when he excused himself to the restroom, I ordered one of the most expensive bottles of wine, watched the waiter cork it, took a sip, and left.
3) Lived with a guy and he broke up with me over email when I was working overnight shifts covering the War in Iraq. Thus, "Shock and Awe" campaign became "Shock and Ouch" campaign. Awesome times.
4) Have gone out with guys who have wanted to learn guitar, guys who play guitar in bands, and guys who teach guitar. Needless to say, I've plucked that supportive string.
5) When I was in college, one guy even serenaded me with a song he said he wrote for us... and I can remember not knowing where to stare. "Do I look at him? Do I look at the ground? Do I look at the guitar?" The uncomfortable factor hit a high note, and days later - the band broke up.
6) Once seriously Bridget Jones'd it during a date. I was crazy about a guy named Bill - so crazy, that I needed half a bottle of wine beforehand to settle nerves. Ended horribly - him fleeing my apartment because he just wasn't over his past girlfriend. You would have though I would've accepted this unfortunate fact and found peace in it. Well, forget it. I chased him down a DC street around midnight - screaming at him to come back - too tipsy for ANY SORT of self respect. He fumbled quickly for his car keys as I approached, and peeled off. I apologized in an email the next day. He accepted apology but probably blocked my email after that.
7) One blind date guy this past summer gave me a serious complex when we met for coffee - he excused himself to the bathroom - and upon returning to table, excused himself out of there. What's worse - random guy sitting next to me leaned over and said "That was rude." Thanks.
*Aside: Shortly afterwards, called a girlfriend to get sympathy - but got none as she informed me that she dumped herself - over the phone and at work, because her boyfriend at the time didn't have the nerve to do it himself. I still remember that day like it was yesterday, standing on a street in Harlem on a hot summer day - talking to my friend who had just broken up with herself - laughing hysterically at the pathetic nature of our lives.
8) First real boyfriend from college was Greek, and whenever he started fighting with me in Greek - I mocked his native tongue back... a very childish move, I admit - but it succeeded in making us a modern day Lucy & Ricky, which is kind of amusing.
9) Ran into a NBC editor at the gym I had dated years ago. He walked right up to me and said, "Allison Browne - you look amazing. How are you?" I beamed at the pull-up bars and quickly entertained a dating reunion... which was just as quickly dashed when he said "I'm great - got married, bought a place, and we're now expecting a baby!!" I was like, "Of course you are! My life sucks."
10) Dated a guy long distance who needed to "find himself" - spurring our subsequent break-up. Well, he found himself soon moving to my area - and he found himself a new girlfriend too - also in my area. That was awesome. Think he's still finding himself - as he's moved again, and moved out of another relationship.
11) Most romantic award goes to Sid of NZ. I met him in front of the White House on a crisp Spring day... which in retrospect, was one of the most romantic moments throughout our entire relationship. The rest was arguing and arduous circumstances, and Allison being her usual stubborn and impatient self.
12) Picked up a Air Force guy during Fleet Week in NYC... I picked him up because I had made it my purpose to pick up an Armed Forces guy during Fleet Week. Therefore, he became forever known as "Aim High."
HEARTFELT ADVICE
Some pretty great advice has come from all these dating twists and tumbles, turns and yearns:
1) My college friend Ryan once told me that you should be over your last boyfriend (or girlfriend) by the time the last movie you saw together as a couple at the theater - starts showing on HBO. Great benchmark.
2) "When in Hell, keep moving." My favorite, and obvious nod to Churchill.
3) "Stop thinking about him, because I can promise you - he's not thinking about you."
4) "Old Yeller was a good dog, until he went mad and we had to shoot him. We were all sad for a while, but it wasn't before long until we learned to love puppies again. You will too."
